Buhhhrito's Copasetic Life

I Said Shunt...Jeez

2007-10-22T14:48:57Z

I find it funny right now, so much has happened in the last 3 weeks and yet I find it hard to find anything to say. So many people want answers to their many questions, and the occupational therapist said that if I typed this out it mghit make me feel better, so...here we go.

Sorry if it's disjointed....I did have brain surgery.

Roughly 3 (or was it 4?) weeks ago, I was having insane headaches that would not go away. No matter what I did, no matter what pills I took, they would not go away. It felt as if my skull was trying to break free of it's skin covering to explore the world. I wish I could describe the pain, but suffice it to say I didn't leave my bed much those weeks. Headaches were the Godzilla to my brain being Tokyo. Does that make sense? It does to me....So eventually I found myself in the emergency room of the local clinic. First time they gave me a shot for a stress headache and it seemed to help.

Alas, they returned, and so did I to various emergency rooms. Various tests were run, IVs slammed into my veins leaving me feeling like a human pin cushion. CAT scans, X-Rays, MRIs...all in an effort to try to figure out what was wrong with Paul. Every time I was sent home with a bottle full of pain pills and an overall clean bill of health as far as they could tell. Of course this was not to be.

I awoke early on a friday to realize that, well, I couldn't see. And it wasn't that I was seeing things...I knew the TV was on because I could hear it and thereby locate it. And I knew the lights were on because I had passed out from pain the night before, forgetting to turn them off. So there I was, lying in bed, blind as far as I knew. I freaked, started screaming, and soon we were off to the hospital yet again.

Ugh....this part is going to be hard to write. Not because it was hard on me or anything, but everything became such a blur to me at this point I just kind of threw it all together. So I'll tell you the things I know went down.

Abboott Hospital in Minneapolis is where most, if not all of this, went down. I arrived on a friday, put in ICU for a night, got two spinal taps (I still have the marks to prove it). Prognosis is that I had a rare ghost tumor; basically it was blocking the CSF from getting back down to my spine and thereby was putting excess pressure on my optic nerves. Doctor said I had 3 weeks, max, and my eyesight would be gone.

Surgery had to be done, and surgery was done.

2 hours under the knife, first cutting into my head to put the shunt in place, then down on my abdomen where the tubing from the shunt would drain out to. Fairly average surgery, so they said. But it hurt, and still almost 2 weeks post op I still have pains that I can't explain away.

I was told it this way, and I might be using some kind of nursing terms here cause of my background, so if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask.

Take your head off for a second, crack it in half. Pull the brain out...okay, you see that boogery-looking material surrounding where the brain used to be? That's cerebro-spinal fluid, or CSF. Basically it operates as a cushion for the brain in the chance we slam it forward, backward, side to side, etc....CSF covers the brain and runs down the spinal column, allowing protective covering as it goes.

This is where my problem came in...through some random throw of the genetetic stick, Paul got screwed again.Put simply, a ghost tumor is an unidentifiable mass that was stuck in my brain. It wasn't allowing the CSF to go back down, and therefore building up pressure in my skull and eventually optical nerves.

So that's where I am now, lookng back on all of what happened and not yet fully believing. I knew I was there, I knew I was going thrrough it, I continue through it. It just seems like somerhing that never happnes to anyone.

But oh well, it did, and I continue on with it.

I thiank the people who came out to see me in those times, and the phone calls I never expected. Kind of funny how at your lowest you truly find out what you're truly worth to people.

These are post-op pics of Paul. If you don't like suture lines or pudgy white fat stomaches, look away.

_

-Paul

America's All Up In It

2007-07-13T22:46:36Z

Right now I should absolutely be doing homework, the assignment is due in roughly 5 hours and I have a paragraph done on what needs to be a two page paper. Oh well, back to the subject at hand.

If any of you know me, you know while doing work I like, nay, need to take many useless and unproductive breaks. Usually I'll read an article online and comment on it or just listen to music, but this time, oh man. I unearthed a gem I completely forgot I ever buried. I was looking through my recent Word documents to see what I had written and something named Banta was on the list. So I clicked, I read, and I laughed. And now, now I share it with you, for I feel the entire world must read this. Look out though, it might blow your mind right out of your skull through the zygomatic bone. That would hurt so bad you have literally no idea.

Yeah, read on. Comment, or not. I can't control your fingers.

Right now is the earliest I've been up in over a week, hell, possibly 2 weeks. Another Banta coffee house gig, another month ends and yet another begins. Weird to think I have only seen this cycle 25 times and am already calloused to it. The changing of months, the movement of days, the way clouds dance through the sky, the way the sun rips through the dark of mid-morning to reveal a new day, it's nothing short of amazing.

It's so easy to miss the majesty of the world if you don't slow down. Unfortunately slowing down isn't really permitted in the world we live in, sometimes it's actually frowned down upon. I'm guilty of that myself, mostly when I'm driving. I love going fast, always have, but what am I in a hurry to get to? I don't think I've ever slowed down and enjoyed the drive in my 8 years of driving. Not really sure of what my point here is…I just feel like we're a hurried people when we really don't need to be. If you're two minutes late to work your job is still secure, just work two minutes later. If you're five minutes late to a date if they really want to see you they really won't care.

Right now, listening to John Banta hit various guitar strings in various barre-chord variants is one time I can slow down and look around and it's enjoyable. I have nothing to do today, other than get my paycheck and worry about how I never have enough money to feel comfortable. Maybe hit up Perkins after this and get some second world quality food into my stomach. That reminds me, what's this whole third world country thing about? What countries are first and second countries and what made third world countries so horrible, so third world? Was there a vote and Zimbabwe lost horribly? You know…assuming Zimbabwe is third world.

I can only assume that America is all up in first world country thing.

-Paul

Like The Light Was All I Had

2007-06-22T01:02:49Z

I'm struggling to find an opening sentence for this one, so I'm just going to jump into it. Sorry for the confusion if there is any.

It came to my attention yesterday that Josh and Megan, some point in the near future, are going to approach me and ask me to no longer be part of the youth service thing. When I was told this, I just rolled it off as if it meant nothing. With school coming up and then getting a real job, it's not like I'd even have time for it, so whatever.

But now...it's really starting to get to me a lot more than I thought it would. I feel a combination of shame and rejection when I think about it. I've been doing the whole youth thing as long as I've been at Lighthouse, which would be five years now. I've seen it go through various transformations, from Schienke, to Chris, and now to Josh. I've been there for all of it.

I admit, I'm not the best youth leader, I don't uphold how a youth leader should look. I don't get horribly excited about worship, I don't say the best things, I swear, etc... I take full blame for that, as I've had people talk to me various times about it, and yet I didn't change, call it being stubborn if you want, because I can't think of any other reason. But then another part of me chimes in with "Well, at least I haven't been faking who I am." And I think, more than likely, that's been my downfall.

I haven't grown, religiously, at least noticeably, in the last two years. I've just been chugging through, hoping for change. It hasn't come, I've become disenfranchised with most of what we do, preferring a book than worship.

Not to sound cliche, but maybe I'm too real, or maybe I'm not real enough. I don't really know.

But it does bother me, it does bother me that I haven't grown. But then again it's my own fault...how is anyone supposed to learn something if they don't put effort forth?

Yeah...scattered entry. People will read it though, I'll get comments, yeah.

An Oldie But a Goodie

2007-06-16T06:33:27Z

This is a writing I did a while ago but never got around to posting. It was written during a prayer time at a wednesday night service. Church stuff..it's a good time to write. Here we go...

So it's come to this, someone I care about seriously contemplating suicide. And he's so young and has literally so much to live for. Not just experiences, but at the age of 13 most people really do have a lot to live. But yeah, he's at a hospital type thing right now doing the daily regime of counseling. It's so weird to think he's there, but it's for the best.

We prayed over his mother today before she took off to see him for the first time in two days. She put up a brave front, but this quickly fell apart once she started talking about him. I just have to wonder how helpless she must have felt, not realizing these things had been going on in his mind, not realizing he had a knife in his room for other reasons than opening packages.

Prayer was pretty classic: Full healing, brokenness, an anointing from the Lord, etc... Now, I realize God is power, I mean, He' God. He's been God since the world was created. But at other times I feel that He doesn't use His power all the time. Not that I hold ill will about it, but I was never healed of my ADHD. I've been on pills since I was eight and honestly don't expect to get off them any time soon, if ever. They've just become a part of my life, a ritual if you will. Wake up, take a pill. Every morning for the last 12 years has seen the same thing.

I guess my point here, since it's not at all clear right now, is, and not to doubt God here in any way, but pills work. There is scientific proof that pills for depression help with depression, pills for anxiety work for anxiety, pills for high blood pressure work for high blood pressure. It's what they do...and honestly that's my struggling point right now.

As a follower of God I believe He is all powerful. But at the same time I believe in the validity of medication. So although I want my friend healed, I believe more in pills than the Lord. It's what I've known for the last 12 years.

Now I feel as though I'm failing the Lord more than I already do.

-Paul

Talk...Don't Wave Flags

2007-02-21T17:57:59Z

I wrote this one yesterday while out at Bethany enjoying a rather rousing worship service. Of course me being me, I put on my headphones and escaped into my own little world. While there, I ended up writing this rather impassioned and angry entry on the notebook that thank God I brought.

Remember, this is just my opinion, but I'm more than open to other's on this topic.

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Every day of the year the Lord is crying for the lost, the unsaved, the ones who don't know. He has angels watching over them, even these angels cry for the lost.

They are looking for answers and HE IS THE ANSWER. Not churches, not worship music, not hopping around with their arms raised high. It is as simple as this...God is the answer, the gap filler, the light in the dark alley of your life.

So many people think loving God is acting out for Him, screaming, jumping, waving of flags, fasting...and they're wrong.

Loving God is talking to Him, reading His word, trying to live a life as He would like you to.

I hate acting-out-type people. Well, not hate them, I just hate their thought that they must act out to get His attention. It is a selfish, them-sided way of worshiping. Hooray if it works for them, awesome actually. My only point is that it's not needed.

When I was a non-believer, and thank God for those times because it gibes me a different view on all this, I thought worship was a joke. Not because I disliked the song, heck, some were pretty catchy. Not because of the message, even as an atheist I tried to respect other beliefs. But because of what I saw on the ads for those worship music mix CDs on television.

Old people jumping around, flushed cheeks, hands in the air like they're a true playa. From my view point it didn't make sense why they did it, how could doing that get you closer to God? But clearly they knew what they were doing, and as an outsider, I just accepted it as par for the course of being a Christian.

So when I became a Christian, I thought you had to do just that, raise your hands in the air, scream, jump, dance around, or God would be angry at you for not worshiping Him correctly. So like every child raised equally by parents and television, I did what I thought I had to.

Only one slight problem existed: I was doing it for myself, not the Lord. I was doing the motions and the sounds because I thought I had to, not because the Lord directed me to. I was generally the first up from during One Way, screaming, swaying, throwing my arms up towards the cross. Every now and then I'd get a glimpse of the God "feeling". A force flowing through my body that took my breath away and caused tears to start flowing. But still, it didn't suit me.

It seemed to me, as it does now, that by raising hands...etc, you were asking of even demanding that God work through your time line, that He come down to you. What? You can't force God, no this is wrong.

So now I choose to sit and wait for Him to come on His own time line. Sure, I've gotten looks from people, comments about me being the only one sitting in a room of standing people. I hate yet to defend myself with more than a dismissive "Yeah...whatever." Perhaps for the best, as the explanation would take too long and make me even more of a black sheep at church.

I have found what works for me, that is all that is important.

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This is where I thought I was done writing, in fact I had affixed my signature and date to the bottom of the paper. But of course I had one more thought to go for, and I'm honestly proud of this one. I'm not proud that I get angry at a certain person when I think about this quote, but that's neither here nor there.

And here it is:

Some people will say that the blood of Jesus wasn't spilled so that I could sit during worship. These people are missing the point completely.

-Paul

Love Is Watching Someone Die

2007-02-08T06:59:28Z

If the title of this is correct, I really love my dog Lobo more than I ever thought I could.

Tonight is the last night of his life. Right now is his last 12:55am of his life. Right now is the last time he'll sleep at the foot of my bed in his life.

Right now is the last time I'll fall asleep knowing he's alive, albeit with a cancerous tumor jutting from his jaw.

And it's killing me inside.

I love you Lobo, and I really don't care who knows it. You've been the one constant thing in my life that's happy to see me, no matter how you're feeling. And I've never said "Thank You" until now.

There's so much I want to say to him, so many meals I want to give him that I'm not supposed to give him. I want to go out and buy him the biggest, most expensive juicy steak I can find. But yeah, that won't do anything now, it's not like he could eat it.

I suppose it is for the best, but I know I'm going to cry for a while tomorrow.

It's going to be a somber drive out to the vet, and an even more quiet drive back.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...nothing is permanent.

-Paul

Michael Says That We Are Scary

2006-12-07T00:15:57Z

Random quote of the day:

"I can get sexier right now." - Cora Gray.

Yup. My friends are really odd. But I love them for it.

-Paul

Heart Beat In My Ears

2006-11-26T06:39:21Z

I know it to be true in my heart, and after this I will know it to be true in writing.

On Thanksgiving day I was out throwing a ball for our dogs. I noticed Lobo, my dog, was grabbing the ball, dropping it, licking it, and walking away. This is not normal behavior to say the least.

Usually he's all for the ball throwing. Just the sight of a tennis ball will have him jumping for joy on his back legs until you throw the damn thing...so I had to investigate.

I looked at him, noticed there was blood in his mouth and went in for a closer look. There was a growth on his lower right jaw, so I freaked out, ran inside and told the parents of the situation. My mom and I took off for the local emergency 24 hour vet to find out what was up with Lobo.

Half way through the wait, my mom was worrying about people showing up at the house (we had Thanksgiving here) and took off. So there I was, alone in the vet clinic with my dog. A growth on his lower jaw that I was praying was just a slight infection that would require some antibiotics to go away. The vet gave a far less hopeful diagnosis: tumor.

The tears started welling up in the corners of my eyes when I heard that word...that cursed word. Even now as I write this I'm getting the choked up feeling in my throat. After the vet left the tears started flowing, not suppressed by any illusion of manliness.

Being alone was killing me, so I called home and asked if anyone was coming to pick me up. My mother had forgotten to tell my dad I needed a ride.

I couldn't stand being in the building anymore so went outside, tears still falling down my cheeks and onto my sweater. The cold fall air and slight breeze ripped over me...the lack of cars on the road and people walking around made me feel like I was truly alone.

Just a kid and his sick dog.

While I was at work today my dad was able to take Lobo out to our usual vet. They took samples from the growth, and results came back as badly as I had feared. The growth was so large that it has grown down into his jaw, which means one thing...Lobo has bone cancer.

Without treatment we'll have him for the next 3 to 6 months, possibly a year. And that's it, period. The timing couldn't be worse, with my parents being in Florida for three weeks straight from the end of February to the middle of March; that period of time just happens to fall nicely in the middle of the 3 to 6 month range.

What kills me most is that I didn't notice any growth before, didn’t notice that his cheek looked bigger than it was, so I'd be able to get him out and we could take out the cancer at the beginning. I've been kicking myself daily about that.

Guys, if you at all believe in the power of prayer, please pray that I have a little bit longer to say goodbye to Lobo.

God this sucks. I'm crying again. I have to go.

-Paul

Decomposing

2006-10-08T07:08:48Z

I've been putting of this post for about three days. I'm afraid it's going to make me sound like a bitter old man who doesn't like other people to be happy. Which is very far from the truth.

It's funny when I think about it, my very first entry (at least on my LiveJournal for you people out there reading this on my MySpace) I stated that this is my journal, and I was going to say what I wanted to, damn the consequences. But these days I'm almost overly careful not to offend anyone, careful to tip-toe around things that could possibly make anyone angry. Man, what happened to you Paul? But yeah...

I'm single right now, it's a repeating pattern in my life at this point. I'll somehow find myself with a girl, we'll try to work it out for 2 months and then something comes up. I won't go into what happened this time around, but lets just say it left me questioning if I am as great a guy as I once thought. Which in some stupid way made me start feeling bitter towards the idea of love. I'd start to say to myself "Self, if a seemingly great guy like myself can't find love or have love, how can anyone else have it?"

So, I'm bitter about love. Especially couples that are way too cute together. Or way too excited to be together. Or who were my friends before they started dating, and now whenever we get together to hang out I get the eerie feeling that I'm the third wheel. Or when one of my friends has a great girl waiting on him and he won't make a move. Or when I hear about so and so doing whatever in someone's basement.

Don't get me wrong, love is great. Hooray for love. But right now I just...yeah.

I don't get it. I don't get how some guys wait their entire lives to wait for someone to catch their eye; and how there's other guys who apparently don't have to work for it at all, it just falls in their lap.

Maybe I'm not bitter. Maybe I'm jealous, envious of what I had but no longer do.

Who knows. I'm out.

-Paul

Down In a Rabbit Hole

2006-10-03T06:18:00Z

There are few things in life that a person puts honest time and thought into. Some people have restoring cars, some have finding rare vinyls. My chosen task is making the best sleepy time/crying CD I can possibly make. It's been going for about three years now, slowly gaining more songs. It's up to 21 songs right now.

I call it the smoove mix. It was originally going to be a collection of songs with a smooth groove, but that soon changed when I realized I was only putting songs on it that I'd listen to while depressed, going through a breakup, or getting over deaths in the family. So yeah, here it is.

Feel free to copy it, as you'll never have the true one. It's always changing.

1.) Snow Patrol - How To Be Dead
2.) This Day & Age - We Always Rewind the Best Part
3.) Copeland - Coffee
4.) Anberlin - The Symphony of Blase
5.) MuteMath - Progress
6.) Ben Folds Five - Selfless, Cold, and Composed
7.) Sleep Station - After the War
8.) Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah
9.) Keane - Hamburg Song
10.) Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful(I'll Put a Spell On You)
11.) The Get Up Kids - Like a Man Possessed
12.) Jupiter Sunrise - Steal Me
13.) Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark
14.) Mae - Awakening
15.) Lovedrug - Down Towards the Healing
16.) Armor for Sleep - A Quick Little Fight
17.) Further Seems Forever - For All We Know
18.) The Format - Career Day
19.) Say Anything - I Want to Know Your Plans
20.) Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights
21.) Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day

-Paul

I Suppose I Could Be Me

2006-08-10T05:45:42Z

Rhianne is nowhere to be found and I can't sleep. Seems like right now is a good time as any to write.

This summer has been a summer I, even if I want to, cannot forget. A start of a relationship with an amazing person. Ryan and Annie got married. Josh and Megan got married. My grandpa is getting married to his girlfriend Bonnie whom I know nothing about. Kari is getting married to her boyfriend, but I'm not going to that one. Last second decision on my part.

Usually I don't have much to do with summer, if anything the only thing it affords me is the chance to sleep in on the days I don't have work or don't have to open. Usually I'm sealed away inside the house, avoiding the sun and fun, preferring the company of air conditioning and mindless television watching. But this summer has been different.

I spent a week in Albert Lea with Beau and Ben, burning the week before Josh's eventual wedding. The next week we went up to Walker for what was supposed to be a vacation, but in the end proved to be anything but. Two weeks after that I was on my way to a tiny city in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan called Palmer with Dave's small group to clean out a cemetery that had been abandoned for 70 years. I feel like I should have documented this stuff online more, but I'm going to be selfish...these are my memories.

And it shows. I have a healthy brown to my skin, I've lost weight, I'm strangely more outgoing than I was earlier in the year. Hell Paul, what happened to you, have you grown up a little?

I learned very few things this summer, but what I did learn will forever influence my life.
-Developmentally challenged people don't like to be called retards.
-Although the idea of taking a convertible with the top down for a drive during the summer seems like a good idea, it is not. Especially when this drive is during the 4th of July traffic surge.
-I tend to get a really bad combination sun and wind burn when I'm in a convertible for seven hours.
-I hate classic Lutheran church services.
-Cities that started up because of mining are dying.
-Walmart can be a beacon of hope on an otherwise shitty day.
-Sometimes rocking it commando isn't the best idea in the world.
-Stripping down to a thong and doing a little dance to the musical awesomeness of Haddaway's "What Is Love?" for Josh's bachelor party is better than any gift I could have bought him.

And probably most importantly right now, I was able to meet Rhianne. And although right now is just the beginning, I'm excited about it. Excited about sharing myself with another person without being afraid of being made fun of. Excited about knowing that when I'm at home she's thinking of me, and me her. Or so I'd like to think.

It's funny...I was driving back from her place earlier today when it hit me. The last couple of years, any time I'd hear a romantic song, I'd feel anger over it, resentment. I felt like I was 9 again, asking my cousin Beth why people write songs about love and romance. I was bitter. But now? Now when I hear a song on the side of romantic, I don't feel those angry feelings anymore. The songs actually make sense to me.

Good fucking crap ass did that paragraph suck. It seemed so much better in my head...oh well.

With hugs and kisses for all ya'll...

-Paul

And So We Changed

2006-05-25T05:58:39Z

God yes.

And yeah, I should probably type something her instead of just leaving a random cosplay picture. If anything I could fill you in about how I had to wake up early today so I could help my friend Dave get his car out of the middle of nowhere. I suppose I could...and yeah, I think I will. But I'll keep it short, as it's currently 12:47am and I have to be at work at 9:50am for the ever useless morning meeting.

I was up at 7:30am today. Why Paul, why did you do that? Simple, so I could save my friend Dave's ass. For you see, his ghetto ass ride (picture will be available soon) basically died on his way to Michigan. And me, being the nice and giving friend I am, agreed to give him a ride to pick it up. He mentioned his vehicle was being repaired somewhere in Wisconsin. Now, in my mind Wisconsin means right next to Hastings, which equates to a max of 40 minutes or so of driving.

Yeah, not so much. I hadn't heard of the city before, but I would learn to slightly hate Superior, WI. For you see people, it wasn't a 40 minute drive. Not even an hour drive. No, it was a 2 hour drive, as Superior is right near Duluth, MN. For you people that live around me, you understand that Duluth is this city that most have heard of, but never gone to. Well, now I can say I went.

I put over 300 miles on my car today. And all for the love of a friend. Good thing he gave me gas money.

-Paul

You're Playing Pretend to Keep Me Here

2006-05-20T23:59:47Z

Okay, I know I suck. I haven't updated in a little under three months. And a lot of stuff has happened in those three months that I probably should have documented. I'm sorry, I suck, lets move on. I promised an entry, and here it is. It may lack words, in fact it will have very few words beyond this opening little thing, but it will be full of the awesome. And Joe's fat head in what could have been an amazing picture.

MuteMath Show

Rookie of the Year

Under the Influence of Giants

MuteMath

You may not be able to tell, but in this picture the drummer is taping his headphones directly to his head using duct tape. They fell off during the first song.

Freaking fat head Joe.

Yes, that is the guitar player playing using a drum stick wrapped in tape. And yes, it did sound awesome.

Yes, in the above two pictures the drummer, lead singer, and bass player are hitting various percussion instruments. And yes, they did make it fit into the song. Just goes to show how freaking amazing MuteMath is.

In this picture I had put the camera on the stage, set to not flash so it would be a longer exposure. I thought it would result in an interesting way to show how the music was making everything vibrate, but instead it turned out to be the only picture where you can see most of the bass player.

Yes, that is the guitar player, playing his pedal board.

Finally, The Atari makes an appearance.

On the lightrail ride back. On one of the stops some black kids got on. One mentioned that yesterday he had just shot a fellow black man in the kidney. The combined knowledge of anataomy and physiology and me just being a smart ass boiled up inside my head. I so badly wanted to turn around and say "Dear sir, are you sure you shot him directly in the kidney, and not around it? Because the kidney is pretty hard to hit." But smartly, and probably because he would have kicked my ass for such insolence, I chose againt.

Yeah, that's the entry. Suck it up.

-Paul

buhhhrito @ 2006-05-20T00:03:00

2006-05-20T05:04:59Z

Just a preview of what's to come tomorrow.

Just wait. I promise it might be worth it.

-Paul

You're a Long Way From Home, Charlie Brown

2006-03-01T01:45:07Z

I wish I had more to offer in writing right now, but the juices that usually flow into the writing area of my brain seem to have, well, slowed down. I'm still inspired by words, sounds, interactions with people, with the word, but I still don't write them. And it's not that writing has become a tedium, it honestly hasn't, I still like writing.

I just can't think of anything worth mine and your time to write about.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, I've no idea. I could have easily written about various things that have happened to me over the last two months. I've had my heart bruised a little, I've turned a year older, I'm continuing to see my church die. Stuff like that I could easily write about for hours upon end, but yet I don't.

Who knows? I'm even struggling to write this, and this isn't even deep, mind working writing. It's just writing what I'm currently thinking.

I think one of the issues here is the fact that I no longer have a lap top computer. When I first had my iBook, whenever the feeling would strike I'd pop up word, type stuff in, and be good to go. I mean, sure, I could write these thoughts down on paper, but it's a far more laborious and slow paced way of writing.

Damn, I'm lazy.

-Paul

Flowers and Hugs

2006-02-12T06:39:24Z

Tonight was amazing, simply amazing. Enough said.

-Paul

Sweet Jimmy

2006-02-07T14:19:52Z

I woke up at 7:00am today. A day when I usually sleep in until 8:00am. Why? So I can study for this cursed anatomy and physiology test. I realize most, if not all of the people who read this blog are getting up regularly at 6:00am, and I salute you, as it must take some kind of amazing power to will yourself awake at that time.

But really, I almost feel ready for this test. I have most of the body of the skeleton memorized, most of the lower body (I'm talking the pelvic girdle here people) memorized. Still kind of sketchy on the skull bones. Maybe it's because when I'm studying the skeleton chart I can grab on my body kind of where the bones are, so I can equate it to something in reality, not just a sheet of paper. But with the skull? Man, I'm pretty much screwed. I know for sure that I know 4 of the 8 that we're supposed to have memorized.

Beyond that, the oddest things have been happening recently, and not while I'm awake; well, at least not obviously awake. For example, I slightly remember waking up at around 4am thinking I had to find someone a key, a special key to unlock something amazing, and for some reason I was the only person who had it. So I get out of bed, trek to the den where my jacket is, grab it, pull out my keys, and realizing the magical key is nowhere on the keychain, return to my bedroom defeated and fall back asleep.

I though maybe it would have just been a sleeping thing, like I'm doing "normal" things in my sleep world. But while walking downstairs this morning I walked past my jacket and there, sitting on top of it, were my car keys. Which brings me to another question. What the hell else have I been doing half awake? Scary stuff.

This entry was pointless, and in the long run this test will be also. But I did both.

-Paul

Why Girls Fall For Assholes

2006-02-03T03:09:00Z

Janked from SeanCo, who also janked it from Nathan B. Pyle.

Why Girls Fall For Assholes: A philosophical argument based on theory and perception
BY: Nathan B. Pyle

Introduction

In the following argument, I have presented a series of beliefs, or mindsets, within the female brain that cause them to be attracted to guys that are assholes. Throughout this argument you will notice that I use the word "girl" and not "woman". This word choice most accurately conveys the immaturity of the female mentality when it comes to relationships. The word "woman" refers to a rational, mature female capable of making logical decisions. Rational qualities simply do not exist in the majority of teenage high school girls, as well as college girls. As a teenager myself, personal experience has prompted me to speak out for nice guys everywhere by arguing the idea that girls are undoubtedly drawn to the assholes of society. Here is why:

Defining the Asshole

Before we can go any further in explaining why girls are attracted to assholes, we must first define what one is. For the purpose of this argument, an asshole is simply defined as a guy who: treats girls like objects, shows them little to no attention, and is only a gentleman in situations where there is a personal, usually sexual, gain for him. In short, assholes are players. They have no inner feelings for the girls they swoon, nor do they care about how much they hurt a girl emotionally. They are unreliable, and can�t be expected to be around when they are needed. The unreliability of assholes is, ironically, one of the key factors why they attract girls, which I will discuss later.

If girls were on the maturity level that they should be they wouldn�t waste two seconds of their time on an irresponsible jerk that�s just trying to snake his way between their legs. Unfortunately, assholes are more appealing to girls because of the good things they don�t do. Nice guys simply cannot compete with that. Not to mention the fact that assholes are almost always good-looking, which they use to their advantage of course. If they weren�t, then what could they use to lure a girl in the first place?

The entire situation is a paradox. For example, when asked what features they look for in the "perfect guy", girls will list only the finest attributes: nice, caring, honest, attractive, courteous, and a good sense of humor. In reality, men that encompass all of these traits exist in vast numbers, and are most likely solitary virgins applying their energy to more practical pursuits in life other than feeling up skirts. Yet these men are overlooked by girls and replaced by their complete moral opposites, assholes. Where the "perfect guy" is caring, the asshole is insensitive. Every attribute that a girl says she looks for in a guy is contradicted by her actions in choosing that guy. It's as if they say they want such things in a guy because they feel like that is the correct answer. Such traits may be of no importance to them. You never see a personal ad that reads, "single white female in search of insensitive male that just wants a blowjob after apologizing for cheating, not calling, and forgetting important dates". Because of this, I don't ever want to hear a girl complain about how there are no nice guys are left in the world.

What Attracts Girls to Assholes? (The Female Mindset)

There are a number of reasons why girls disregard a good thing and pursue something that they know will get them into trouble. First of all, parents don't want to see their child get hurt, so they always give advice about dating, drinking, taking drugs, and anything else they did as a child. Caring mothers always tell their daughters to stay away from "bad boys" because they will just end up getting hurt. Instead of listening to their mother, a girl�s curiosity takes over. She wants to know why she should stay away from them. Combine this curiosity with the desire to rebel against parental authority and you have a girl that is not only interested in assholes right from the start, but also enjoys dating them for the sole purpose of witnessing her mother�s disapproval. Studies have shown that when parents disapprove of who their child is dating, the relationship between the couple grows even stronger simply because the parents are trying to separate them. This psychological condition, known as the "Romeo and Juliet Effect", may shed some light on why some girls remain with assholes for long periods of time, but I wouldn�t call it strictly a female mindset. Besides, desires of rebellion are found in young boys as well. But there are certain notions within the female mind that lead them right to assholes. Here are those reasons:

The Mystery

In relation to the "bad boy" image, the mystery factor is a simple, yet powerful concept. Assholes always keep their personal distance from the girls they date, which is the first clear warning that the girl is of very little importance to them. They make sure they have the girl�s phone number, pager number, e-mail address, and any other means of contacting them. This makes her feel special when in actuality she is just another girl in the waiting room, eagerly listening for her number to be called. When the asshole feels like it, he�ll give her a call, thus renewing her feeling of importance. And it is by this time that she realizes she has no way of contacting him, which is exactly what he wants. He limits access to himself, so he can go and do other things (or girls) and be in complete control of the "relationship" at the same time. She realizes that he rarely calls her, so when he does, she is automatically willing to see him. It is almost an unconscious decision, sparked by the asshole�s inexplicable behavior. He is mysterious, but there is nothing mysterious about his motives; he uses the girl when he wants her, avoids her when he doesn't.

Assholes are intriguing because of their lack of respect for nearly everyone, especially girls. They show girls hardly any attention, and the attention that they do show is primarily used for sexual gain. They are experts at charming, but only for a limited amount of time. If an asshole were always caring and sweet -- in other words a truly nice guy -- then a girl would soon realize that there must be something wrong with him and she would immediately lose interest. After all, who wants to be with someone who treats them with respect and is always there when needed? What is the fun in that? Where is the intrigue in a relationship where you can actually trust your partner? For the answers to these questions, ask a teenage mom on welfare.

The Conquest

This concept spawns directly from the mystery factor. When a girl realizes that she isn�t the top priority for a guy, she tries to make herself that top priority. The challenge of getting a guy they want is an irresistible conquest to them, especially if they are shown no interest. They are determined to get that guy. And when a guy shows attention to another girl besides them, their determination increases further, making him even more desirable. They are suddenly convinced that no other guy in the world can satisfy their emotional needs and they become filled with desperation. At this point, a girl will do anything to win his affection, including sexual favors. An asshole will quickly recognize her condition and take advantage of the situation, or in other words, get laid. By having sex with him, she convinces herself that sex is the only means of receiving attention. It amazes me what a girl will do to be loved, but what amazes me more is what a girl will do to be hurt. Blind to the fact she is being used, she prides herself on getting that guy. Why? The challenge! Consequences come later.

Immaturity

Let's get this out of the way right now: girls are not more mature than guys. They never were. So disregard all of that crap you have heard about how girls mature faster mentally than guys. Although they excel in many areas guys don�t, they still lack maturity. This immaturity really shines, not surprisingly, when dealing with relationships.

As I mentioned earlier, showing a girl no attention is an asshole's specialty. To a girl, the conquest is only the beginning of a short-lived romp full of drama and excitement. That is why they like a challenge, for the thrill of the chase. There is nothing exciting to them about a guy who acts like a gentleman. In fact, if a guy shows respect towards a girl, she will pass him up thinking that he only wants her for her body. Herein lies one of the biggest problems for nice guys; being nice. Showing a girl real attention is your downfall and immediately ruins your chances with her, for two reasons.

First of all, she can't find anything wrong with the way you treat her. This confuses a girl because she simply cannot comprehend being treated right, due to the countless women�s magazines telling them that every guy is a selfish, walking hormone. To make sense of the situation, she creates the ridiculous idea that she is being used because no guy is a nice person unless they want something, thus concluding, all guys are jerks. Then she will break things off because she feels uncomfortable. Because of her immaturity she doesn�t realize that the uncomfortable feeling is something she will soon treasure and never want to be without.

Secondly, since you are a nice guy and of no challenge to her, you are permanently dumped into what I call "The Friend Pit". The name says it all. You are now a close friend of hers, so the majority of time you spend with her will consist of listening to stories about how all of the guys she dates are complete assholes. Also, I call it a pit because once pushed in, you are there for good. Don�t bother trying anything romantic because every attempt will be labeled by her as just �something that friends do�. So when she breaks up with asshole number thirty-seven, trying to win her heart with a dozen roses and a romantic dinner won't work. She will translate this futile effort into nothing more than a caring gesture that shows your condolences. Being a girl�s close friend does have a few advantages, however, such as getting you intimately close to her desires, her bra size, and what she really wants in a guy. Just remember that what she says she wants is the opposite of what will be found in the next guy she falls for, so her words have no merit. For instance, if she says she wants a guy that treats her right, you can count on the next guy being a bigger asshole than the last. Granted, it may not be entirely her fault that every guy she goes out with is an asshole, but a lot of girls will get involved with a guy even if they already know he is an asshole. Then they turn around and gripe about how they are being used. This is female immaturity, or should I say fickleness, at its worst. If you don�t want to be used then don�t let it happen.

I have talked with girls who knew very well their boyfriends were using them. They also agreed that they should break things off, but they just couldn't, simply because being used is easier to swallow than being ignored. Instead of getting out of the relationship, they will look for any good qualities the guy has as an excuse to stay with him. For example, a girl might say, �He is really a nice guy; you just have to get to know him.� Bullshit. They know he is not a nice guy, but they remember those rare instances when he so sweetly apologized for being a jerk. What they don�t know is the real reason behind the apologies. When an asshole is in danger of losing control of a girl, he keeps her in check by apologizing about his behavior. This suppresses the little "I deserve better" rebellion inside of her and everything goes back to normal. Then the cycle repeats: he acts like an asshole, she complains about it and threatens to break up with him, he apologizes, she thinks he is sincere, they reconcile, and then he continues using her until she complains again.

The Desire to Nurture

Women in general have a biological disposition to care for another being. This is why they love cute little babies and why they make such good, nurturing mothers. But when dealing with girls, this nurturing aspect also has to do with their initial attraction to assholes.

Because an asshole is immature, every girl that goes out with him thinks that she can "change" him for the better. Yeah, he treats her like crap, but she sees that little hint of kindness in his personality (see above section about why assholes are nice). The girl thinks to herself, if I just stay with this guy, I will be able to bring out the nice side in him. That's what she thinks, but the truth is that she can't change him. In fact, she repressing any inherently nice qualities he does have. He has no reason to treat her differently if she continues to stay with him. The only time he is nice is to counter her threats of ending the relationship, so she thinks that her attempts to change him are working. This is essentially the origin of the cycle I explained in the previous section. When the girl thinks he is being truthful after his latest apology, she believes that he is finally making a change and that her efforts to change him were successful. However, he doesn�t see the situation as she does. He is more concerned with keeping a tight lid on things inside the relationship; the last thing he wants to do is bring emotions into the mix. After all, an asshole is not about to share true feelings with the girl he is using. He just keeps it simple by telling her all the things she wants to hear and nothing she doesn�t. And if he makes a mistake, then he will correct it by appealing to her emotional side, her nurturing side.

Lack of Confidence

Just the phrase itself should be enough to explain why this is a factor for a girl's infatuation with an asshole, but I will go into more detail to clarify this aspect. Girls that find themselves in a relationship with no sacrifice or praise from their partner are in a world controlled by an asshole. The girl will do his laundry, make him breakfast; comfort him in any way she can, and for what? So she can feel better about herself, so she can make herself feel more worthwhile since he certainly isn�t helping her feel that way.

The asshole controls everything, and she will remain in his service until she gains enough confidence to get out. His lack of attention to her makes her feel as if she is the one throwing the relationship off track and away from the cliche�, surreal love connection that she reads about in Cosmo. She envisions an impossible relationship, topped off with the cherry of monogamy between her and her man. Her brain is telling her, "Some day, some magical day he will appreciate the sweet things I do for him. Then he will treat me like I deserve." An asshole, on the other hand, envisions an entirely different relationship. He sees a personal servant and his mind is saying, "I could use some head right about now. Where is that bitch? Oh yeah, she�'s doing my laundry." The magical day will never come.

Conclusion

You may be asking yourself, "What is the point to this theory?" The answer is inherent in the title; I am simply conveying my idea as to why girls fall for the assholes and pass up the nice guys. I am providing an explanation for every decent guy out there who can�t understand where he messed up with the girl that left him behind to pursue an asshole. What I am not trying to do is change the way things work in the relationship world. Most girls simply have to go through the experience of being with an asshole before they can open their eyes and see what is going on. This is when they become mature and, finally, will give the nice guys their chance.

There are so many exceptions that I didn�t take into account when writing this theory, simply because if I did, the subject of the paper would branch off into too many areas. There are scenarios where the nice guy does get the girl, and although rare, they are a mysterious exception to my theory. Another exception is one that can never be argued, and that is true love.

For the Men: Perhaps the most reassuring aspect of the whole situation is that while many assholes are the first ones to get the girl, they don't keep them long. The relationship never lasts because it doesn't contain what the girl is looking for; it satisfies her initial desires and then quickly wears off. That is when you come into the picture and fill the void. Just be patient and don't interfere with a girl that is making a mistake by dating an asshole, nothing you say can change her mind. It's kind of like the campaign against smoking; people will not change their mind about smoking no matter how many warnings are placed on a pack of cigarettes. And while there are more assholes in the world than there are cigarette butts in high-school bathrooms, you will get your chance. Remember to stay in the dating pool, no matter how cold the water may be.

For the Women: If you thought portions of this theory sounded like they were from the mind of a sexist male pig then you were either a) pissed that I was right or b) missing the big picture. To all the women out there that don't give assholes the time of day, you shouldn�t be reading this. To all the girls out there spreading their legs for an asshole, grow up. Although girls cannot be held fully responsible for the way assholes treat them, they are the ones that allow it happen. I didn't write this report to bash on either sex, but if you still think I am sexist, then write your own theory and prove me wrong

-Paul

Everyone Needs a Derek Faust

2006-01-15T07:30:35Z

Rumors are spreading around the TRU about Trisha and me; I should have known this was going to happen when we ran into Ofelia at the movie theatre. I didn't think it'd really get to me, that I'd rise above them, but for some reason they're starting to get to me.

Doesn't help that Trisha showed up to work on thursday in a wheel chair with her leg all bandaged up. She slipped on some stairs at home while taking one of the dogs out to the bathroom. She went to the doctor, but wouldn't tell me the extent of the damage. Not sure why, perhaps her tough girl "I can take this pain and still live" mentality is blocking her from details.

No idea.

Other than that, I've been putting some serious thought to quitting TRU as I feel under appreciated, underpaid and every day I go there I swear I feel my brain shrikning just a little bit more. It's funny though, how I want to complain about working there so much, about how boring it can be, but all I think of are the fun times I've had with my co-workers.

It's been three years, I think it's time to move on.

-Paul

Things Draw to a Close

2006-01-10T18:16:37Z

This is basically for anyone who's wondering what has happened or is happening between Trisha and me.

Nothing is happening.

I can't say I'm completely happy with it, but due to her work load there wouldn't be much time for her to have a boyfriend right now.

-Paul

Catalyst

2005-12-28T07:08:58Z

I haven't done a blog entry in almost two months, so I'm out of practice. But I have too many things running around in my head right now to not do an entry. Maybe it'll help...

I'm 23, nearly 24. Most of my friends are an average of five years younger than me. It didn't really seem to be a huge problem to me. Every now and then the age difference would hit me, but generally I'd ignore it. Friendship generally doesn't have an age requirement.

But tonight it was not so gently brought to my attention that I'm "still trying to be 17" by Sam. And not to be a jerk here, cause she's cool and fully entitled to her opinions, but she doesn't have the complete story. She's just looking at the face value of "Hey, he's 23 and he's hanging out with 17 year olds." It appeared she had an issue with me being around.

Does she just generally dislike me? Does it creep her out that a 23 year old would hang out with someone still in high school? No idea, but here's the thing. It's not like I planned for this to happen, for all of my friends to be younger than I am. It's just what I've been handed. Most of the people at my church that I could realistically hang out with are horribly busy with work, being with their boy or girlfriend, or in the example of my friends in The Drive Back, practicing music or attempting to finish up their studio at church.

I'm not into what kids my age are into. I don't do clubbing, I don't go out drinking, to strip clubs or anything stupid like that. I don't take pleasure in watching sports with my buddies while sucking down beer as if it were the last drink I would ever have.

I take pleasure in being with people who are a good influence on me, and vice versa. And if that person happens to be younger than I am, fuck it, I'll still be there.

-Paul

Words Pointed At Me

2005-12-12T06:15:03Z

This is not my writing, and is not in it's original writing, but it's powerful stuff nonetheless.

Ecclesiastes 1:2-11

"Everything is meaningless," says the Teacher, "utterly meaningless!"
What do people get for all their hard work? Generations come and go, but nothing really changes. The sun rises and sets and hurries around to rise again. The wind blows south and north, here and there, twisting back and forth, getting nowhere. The rivers run into the sea, but the sea is never full. Then the water returns again to the rivers and flows again into the sea. Everytyhing is so weary and tiresome! No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.
History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. What can you point to that is new? How do you know it didn't already exist long ago? We don't remember what happened in those former times. And in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now.

I have three finals this week, have to register for classes, and right now feel so burnt out I'm not sure I can finish out the week.

God, please help me with this...I can't do it by myself anymore. I give up...

-Paul

On With the Show

2005-11-04T21:14:17Z

Sex is not a toy. Please don't use it as thus.

Not judging, just saying.

-Paul

I Owe Me This

2005-11-03T18:49:13Z

This entry should have been posted damn near three days ago, but I was in neither the right mind to write or ready to write. Don't know if any of you out there have experienced this feeling, but hey, I'm back.

Halloween 2005. Sherwood, This Day and Age, Adam Richman and The Rocket Summer played at The Quest. Quality show, but I fear I'm getting past the whole The Rocket Summer thing. It's not that it's bad music, in fact it's high quality. It just seems to be for the younger crowd, the less musically educated. Nothing against my friends and loved ones who are still in to The Rocket Summer; but it's summed up best as this.

I was sitting in the back while Adam Richman was on stage and the lead singer of This Day and Age came up to me, looked me in the eye, shook my hand and said "Hey, didn't I see you singing along to the songs?" My reply "Yes, I do believe you did." A short discussion occured, him saying that usually the people who knew the songs were up close to the stage. Me geeking out over the fact I was talking to the lead singer of This Day and Age. And then the line that really sealed it for me; at first I thought it was an attack on my fellow music lovers, but it totally wasn't. To quote "Nothing against these people, but our music is a pretty much over their heads."

So I'm musically mature. Hazaa.

But let me get to the bulk of this, and why I want to write this. I realize I probably won't forget this experience for the rest of my life, but it's good to get it out in word so I can go back to double check my facts.

I was quite excited that I had Halloween off to see the concert as I was told the week prior that I wasn't going to be able to get the night off. Too many people had already asked for it off...blah blah blah. But I got it off, so I was excited.

I'm personally sick of driving to The Quest. Not because I don't like driving in downtown Minneapolis (actually I hate it) but because, when all the driving is done and spoken for, my gas tank which was on full before the trip was down a quarter tank. So, being the mischevious person I am at times, I asked Joe if we could take his car. He said sure. On the day of the concert Joe's mom took his car, her reasoning because the heater in her Grand Marquis didn't work well. She was not to be back until after we were gone, so we were stuck with the Grand Marquis. It was indeed a cold morning, so I won't hold it against her. But this was definately a sign that things were to go bad that night.

I picked up Joe at his work place, clambered into the Grand Marquis and we were off.

Sorry for going off on a tagent on this one, but I need to. It's oh so important for the story.

The Grand Marquis, for all it used to be back in the day, has not held up well. Or at least the Caravello's has not. The gas meter is broken so it appears that the vehicle was always empty. A glowing yellow light of doom saying the same no gas statement doesn't help much either. Horn is broken, it doesn't accelerate well, there appear to be signs of a once functioning cruise control, but as all things from 89 appear to be doing, it was as well broken. And it's a damn boat; literally feeling like one. When I turned the wheel to make a turn, the car didn't respond at first. I swear that it took a second for the wheels to realize "Oh, you want me to turn?" Bad experience, and driving a huge vehicle (cut it in half and you have the size of my car) is definately not the easiest thing to do when trying to get around downtown Minneapolis.

The show gets out, we have another passenger as his ride had to take off under threat of grounding. We take off for the car, I already have the key in hand ready to take off. Now, you'll have to use your mind here, but the key that starts the car is in a design where it has, from the top, a line going down, to the right, and back down. Upon close inspection of the door lock I noticed the opening had a line that, from the top, goes down, to the left, and down again.

We were locked out. In downtown Minneapolis. On Halloween.

Joe called his mom, telling her the situation, asking her to bring the key to unlock the door so we could leave. Upon hanging up the phone he said to me "Why'd you lock the door?" My reply "It's downtown Minneapolis. Need any more reasons?"

And so the waiting began.

Now, I don't know if any of my readers have ever spent much time in downtown anywhere, but there's a good amount of homeless people who come out at night, looking for money to generally get drunk or buy drugs with. Some, I've been told, actually buy food with the money, but I've yet to really see this happen. And with the homeless people, thanks to this experience, I'm convinced grow some type of new sense that finds people that they can get money off of.

There we were, two pretty well dressed teenagers and a handsome, dashing, well groomed 20 something. We were easy targets.

First up comes an Asian guy carrying a bag from The Mall of America with one of those water backpacks around his back. I thought was clearly a tourist. He said he somehow got on the wrong light rail train and had lost his debit card while shopping at the mall. He asked if we could give him a ride an hour and a half north. I'm a nice guy, but that's being too nice. He said something about needing $18.50 for a bus ticket to get to where he needed to go, and me, trying to do the Christian thing, gave him a $20 without a second though. He offered to give me a pair of Chuck Taylors and some books for my offering, but I said hold on to them.

It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now I wonder if he was just a really good liar. Either was I was out $20.

The first guy comes up, clearly smoking a joint. He pocketed said joint after walking up to us and asked us for money. Because we're stupid we told him our problem and he offered his expertise; we said okay. In he goes with an intenna from a car (we had gotten it from the guy at the parking lot booth) and said he needed to get some more leverage, so I offered him my pocket knife. About three minutes later I realized there was a knife in said pocket knife and with ease he could plunge it into our stomachs and take our ever important merch from the show. You know, and possibly kill us.

About half an hour later another homeless man walks up, much more sober and preaching the gospel. He said that he could get in to the car in ten minutes. He took over from the other guy, using a wrench to try to get in. He said that the guy earlier clearly had no idea what he was doing as he permanently damaged part of the rubber gasket on the car. The wrench also did some fun damage to a metal part on the door.

Damn near an hour later Joe's dad finally comes up with the door key, I grabbed it from him, and finally felt free.

Now, maybe it's just me being hopeful, but I thought that perhaps the man working the toll booth at the parking lot had a heart. Clearly, if we had the key we would have been out of that parking lot earlier. I thought maybe he's be able to see this and charge us for the time we would have been there, not the time that we were. But alas, he was heartless.

$12.00. The jerk.

Next time we're taking the light rail. Lets just say that.

-Paul

Don't Touch, Don't Look, Don't Feel

2005-10-28T05:29:26Z

I haven't updated in a while, and for that I feel I should apologize.

It's not that my life hasn't been full of wondrous journeys, in fact it's been quite full. Surprise birthday parties, concerts, new CDs, general stuff.

And yet I failed to update. Call it a lack of inspiration. I do.

I don't know if it's God giving me a short reprieve from baring my soul to whomever may be reading this or if it's just me being selfish. Or me not caring anymore because I don't know if anyone cares to read this. But then again I did start this for myself; it just happened to change into a thing for other people over time.

Maybe that's the problem, I'm just catering to other people's desires and wants.

Either way, here's what I have.

Amazing song. Amazing message. It's me, and it's probably you when you think about it long enough.

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
WIll I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about His power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others fine truth
When I'm scared I'll fine truth that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your proimise
Though I know nothing's safe
Oh me of little faith

-Paul